Welcome To Hell

Bill Mason

Welcome to Hell. Please let us enslave you. We'll give you a free t-shirt if you fill out this credit card application... You can drive home in this brand new car, with no payments until 2000... It's so much easier to not worry about these details. We'll take care of them for you. All we ask is that you send in your payment every month like a good slave.

No, no, don't read books. Libraries are closing more and more everyday anyway because they're obsolete, now superseded by television. That concept we taught you in grade school called "literacy" was just a lie, just like everything else we crammed down your throat. We just want to make life easy for you! We'll even give you pretty pictures and animation to protect you from that mean computer! Just you don't worry about that. We'll manage all the details for you for the low, low price of $99.95.

The less you know, the better off we are. Job security. Think we're stupid? We are, but we can bullshit our way onto your desktop, because you're even stupider than we are. The truth is, you never knew you had a choice. You probably wouldn't even know there was such a thing as software, without which the computer can't operate, if it hadn't been for our constant reminders that you can upgrade the crap we sold you for the low, low price of $79.95. But it's worth it because you get a 30% increase in performance. That will actually impress you because we're competing with ourselves here.

It's actually not that hard. After a late night and a hang over, we quickly code this crap and hire graphics professionals to candy coat it. Then we break anti-trust laws and cut every corner possible to shove it down your throat. Once we've got you convinced that we're the only people who make software, then we just have to make our code a little bit better, which isn't difficult considering how shitty it was in the first place, and then sell it to you again! The greatest part about this deal is that you'll buy it!

We know that and we use it to our advantage, destroying all possible competition by using what we call Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt and we whisper little messages to you that you don't want the competition because it's "not well supported," which is just our fucked up way of saying that we've got everyone brainwashed into thinking that we're the only option.

After we have this down (which we do), we use another concept we call "embrace and extend," which, again, is our fucked up way of saying that we take over all open standards, change them as we see fit, and then shove them down your throat, without you even knowing it, by simply telling you that the competition doesn't support our standard. We're rewriting the books of commercialism and we're taking you with us!

All my life, I have been beaten down by concepts that are false, surrounded by people who unknowingly were brainwashed by these concepts and from the age of 16 I stood to look at these concepts bearing my middle finger. I was angered that these people who called themselves my elders could sit and tell me how incompetent I was and lead me through a life of torture they called "discipline," and I wondered how such a mass brainwashing could occur that could possibly make these people forget their childhood. They undermined my self-esteem, my self-confidence, and wasted 12 years of my life, until I realized that I have unknowingly been sold their lie, working like a dog to pay my bills, credit cards, and buy neat little toys that will enslave me till the day I die, cowering at their beuracracies, kissing their feet to give me jobs as they stuck their noses in the air and said I wasn't good enough.

I was becoming just like them, doing as I was told, going to their classes, debugging their RatC programs for them, going to their jobs just to slack off day to day, waiting impatiently for the next paycheck, and forgetting my childhood, just as I wondered so long ago how so many people could let it happen to them and I promised myself that I'd never let