Poking Fun at Personal Ads


To the SWF with a PhD:

Basically, I?m a nervous person. I?ll tell you now that I?ve never had a date, but I just know that we were meant to be. The things you look for, ?slim build, knowledge of the Wicca religion, and the ability to differentiate between Van Gogh and Picasso? describe me to a tee. I can?t wait until our wedding day, which should be soon because I?m nearly over two hills. Did I mention that I?m a nervous person?

Concerning the line of your ad stating ?Slim build is a great impression of a man?s true character,? well, I may not actually fit that request. I agree that a slim build is attractive; however, I know of many fat people that have great personalities. I?m not saying that I?m fat, rather stocky or big-boned. The problem is that I don?t hide my weight well. Actually, the truth is I look like a wildebeest covered in plaid and khaki. I have more fur on my back than all eleven of your precious Persians. To top things off, I have an inexplicable odor that creeps out no matter how much cologne I bath in.

What I lack in the looks department, I certainly make up for by my knowledge of witchcraft. I?ve realized something about you smart chicks; you always have some fanatical beliefs that are sure to be contested (women?s suffrage, for example). I?ve got this one though; I?ve seen every movie ever made concerning witchcraft: Hocus Pocus, The Craft, and best of all, The Wizard of Oz. I have also memorized portions of Bewitched for our first date. Can you really turn Samantha into a dog by wrinkling your nose? I?ve always wondered that. As my hero, the Wicked Witch of the West would say, ?I?ll get you my pretty,? and your eleven Persians, too. I hope you also like a guy with a sense of humor.

As for the differentiation between Picasso and Van Gogh, I?ll be completely forward with you: I have no clue who those people are. I ran upstairs and asked my mom who Picasso was and she told me that it?s the name of a cat I had when I was five. If Van Gogh is another cat?s name, Picasso was cross-eyed, bob-tailed, and could never find the litter box. I?ve done it. I?ve successfully filled your requirements in a man.

I feel that we have connected on some level. Please call me when you?re free and we?ll plan our date. I?ll have to request that you pick me up because my mom?s car is a horrible ride. While I wait for that phone to ring, because I know it will, I?ll be looking for our first house on the internet. I just want you to know that there is a little place in the jumbled sock drawer of my heart where you match up all the pairs, throw out the ones with holes in them, and buy me some of those neat dressy ones with the weird black and red geometrical designs on them.